The checklist

By my own standards, I’ve had a very successful week.  I had a tremendously romantic and special time with Hervey before he left (indefinitely) for Haiti.  I set a goal that I would wake up to work out every morning before work and I did it.  I used extra time in the morning for my devotionals.  I ate (fairly) healthy.  Used extra time in the evening to read more of the Bible.  Had enough time to be lazy and relax.  On top of all that, work was fairly easy.  By all accounts: fantastic.  Yet every night at bedtime, I fell asleep with my old friend the mental checklist.  I would run through the day, ticking the boxes of achievement.  Surprisingly, when I got to the end with every little box checked, I felt more empty that when I had left most of the boxes unchecked.  

Make no mistake, this week was not without sin.  I had faithfully invited the Spirit to reveal my sin and in obedience, confessed it.  Still the emptiness persisted, and it left a stain of guilt.  The combination drove me away from Jesus.  I self medicated by not working out and eating very unhealthily.  He is merciful.  Tonight, He had had enough of my wanderings and He called me to Himself.

Search me and know me, Lord.  

The Spirit answered:  Nothing can add to or take away from His love for me (Rom 8:38-39, 1 John 4:10-19).  Everything in my life has been known from the beginning (Psalm 139).  He chose me.  He will love me the same with or without the checklist because at the cross Jesus said three words: It is finished.  After He said those three words, He lived them.  He conquered death.  He returned to the right hand of the Father.  He waits to reclaim His bride.  That is the standard by which I measure my life for it is the hope of my heart.

My checklist represents my worthiness of Christ’s love.  The impression I give myself is that I’ve earned His love if I tick all the boxes.  What this has reminded me is my utter unworthiness of His love and even more that He loves me without hesitation.  It is finished.